Contemplation from taking my Self on a date

Discovering a sense of belonging with a city crow

Author

Maverick Lumen
December 12, 2022

Yesterday, I went for lunch by my Self.

Over the pandemic, the frequency of self-dates has greatly decreased. I only went out if I had a good reason, to decrease exposure to possible infection. However, I'm now slowly opening my Self back up to go on these excursions. Yesterday, I went took my Self out for lunch somewhere I hadn't been before.

I was the only one in the restaurant. It wasn't quite lunch "time", and the road construction outside the restaurant certainly wasn't making it easy for the average person to find it. I enjoyed a warm curry & milk tea on a cold day. I was present with my body, what I was feeling, and my thoughts for the future.

Over the last few weeks, I've felt a growing worry about the shift in direction that I am taking with my work. All the doubts and disheartening self-talk are present. I'm about to finish up my website redesign & copy rewrite, and I'm stalling. Now that my launch of this next phase is getting closer, I am encountering the accompanying resistance to completion.

And yet, yesterday, having some time for me away from work, my home, and my computer... I felt a sense of ease that I have missed over these weeks. I felt that everything was going to be O.K. That it would work out. That the worry and discomfort I'm experiencing right now are temporary.

I was reminded of all I've lived through in order to be alive today. I even felt compelled to share it on Instagram. (Content Note for mentions of suicidality)

Maverick Lumen on Instagram: "I don't talk about my life on the internet that much. (and if I'm honest, idk that I ever will be that kind of person) However, today a seemingly small moment opened up some revelations. My nest and anchor partner asked me how long I have had these shoes on our way downtown. We were talking about things lasting, it was comforting idle chatter. I realized I've had these shoes since my last year of high school. Between 8 & 9 years. It made me think of all the things I've done, not done, experienced and dreamed about since then. When I graduated high-school I couldn't imagine a future where I lived to see 25. My so-called champagne birthday. And yet, here I am 26 years old. Here I am not actively suicidal. Here I am with partners that love me (even if my traumatized parts do everything they can to tell me it's not real). Here I am running a business for over 2 years (and about to shift directions in that business). Here I am. Alive. In love with my Self and my life. Even if it can be challenging, there are so many more examples of the ease I've cultivated for my Self. So here's to us 17 year old Maverick. We made it. ID: in alt text."

Maverick Lumen shared a post on Instagram: "I don't talk about my life on the internet that much. (and if I'm honest, idk that I ever will be that kind of person) However, today a seemingly small moment opened up some revelations. My nest and anchor partner asked me how long I have had these shoes on our way downtown. We were talking about things lasting, it was comforting idle chatter. I realized I've had these shoes since my last year of high school. Between 8 & 9 years. It made me think of all the things I've done, not done, experienced and dreamed about since then. When I graduated high-school I couldn't imagine a future where I lived to see 25. My so-called champagne birthday. And yet, here I am 26 years old. Here I am not actively suicidal. Here I am with partners that love me (even if my traumatized parts do everything they can to tell me it's not real). Here I am running a business for over 2 years (and about to shift directions in that business). Here I am. Alive. In love with my Self and my life. Even if it can be challenging, there are so many more examples of the ease I've cultivated for my Self. So here's to us 17 year old Maverick. We made it. ID: in alt text.". Follow their account to see 130 posts.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CmCrip8yuTm/

When I reflect on my life history, I am continually in awe of what I have done. I am only 26 years, and yet, I am proud of what I have done, not done, accomplished, and given up on. I make the conscious choice to be proud of my Self and to choose what I need to keep going.

Every time I go on a date by my Self, I am struck with contemplation.

Yesterday was no different. Having the space to be with my Self, my thoughts, the Earth, my body, and all the little critters I encounter... how could I not reflect?

I saw several crows on my walk around the area. Chasing each other and hopping their little hops. With my year's theme being the Crow, I've been slowing down to observe every crow I see for just a moment. To see if they have something to teach me.

One crow I saw was sitting in a tree. After I watched them for a while they flitted down to drink water out of a puddle in the concrete. It was funny to see how she put her head very close to the ground in order to scoop water with her beak. I had never really thought about how crows drink. But as I watched him, standing there alone, drinking stagnant water... I wondered how many of us are like these city crows.

Thriving in spite of the conditions around us. Finding our oasis in the middle of a concrete world. Spending time in the comparatively small "green spaces" that the city has bestowed upon us.

I have never felt at home in a large city.

But in that shared moment with this crow, I felt a sense of belonging to each other.

And what is home, if not belonging?